Accepting

I have found it a challenge this week to accept my diagnosis....

I have officially started all of my treatments. I started with an injection of Zoladex.  This is a hormone based chemotherapy that is used to shut down my ovaries.  I will receive Zoladex every 28 days until I have my ovaries removed. If my white blood cells corporate with us, I will have my ovaires removed on December 30th. Last week I started taking Ibrance otherwise known as palbociclib. This is the oral chemo I take for 21 days with a 7 day break and then repeat. I ended last week with an injection of Faslodex.  Faslodex is a form of chemotherapy used to stop your body from producing any estrogen that is left after the ovaries are shut down. I receive this every 14 days, eventually tapering down to every 28 days for life or until it stops working. My weekend was great, I was full of energy and enjoyed each moment.  As the days go on, and I continue treatment I am feeling the effects. I am tired, actually exhausted at some moments, and my body aches. Nothing I can't tolerate, nothing that I will let slow me down, and nothing I should really complain about, it is the new normal.

The last few weeks my life has been so consumed with working on a plan and putting it into action that I put all my energy into that. Now that the plan is in place, I have more time to think about the reality of stage 4 cancer. I can't help but find my mind wandering at certain moments, wondering how many of these moments I will get to enjoy. Last week Jeff and I sat through 4 basketball games between the 2 kids. I couldn't help but think I hope I am still here in 5 years sitting in these bleachers. As I Christmas shop I think about buying a gift that has meaning.  Something that my loved ones will remember me by. My mind doesn't shut off, at night I think about the letters I want to write to my children in case I am not here for milestones in in their life, to tell them in person how proud of them I am.  I think of the gifts I want to buy them for special days in their life that I may not live long enough to experience with them. It may sound strange to some, but this is what is on my mind these days. I think these are all probably normal thoughts for someone facing stage 4 breast cancer. I realize that none of us know how long we have here, but knowing you have cells living in your body working against you to kill you really makes you think about life. While these thoughts drift through my mind periodically, I do my best to stay strong and not let cancer bring me down or rob me of anymore time than it already does. But I would be lying if I said I didn't have sad moments.

As we continue to adjust to the "new normal" life really is good. This week I worked a full week, only had one doctors appointment, went to yoga a few times with my Mom and friends and sat through a few more basketball games...  Life is good, even with cancer.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

Peace and Hope,
Chris